Classic article [
here] where Gerry Adams goes to the US and gets picked on by anti-terrorism squads of airport security there... but for some, you don't need to go all the way to the land of the free to enjoy airport security culture. You can get it for free where you live now.
Picture the set:
On a recent trip to HK on business a few weeks ago, I didn't have time to choose which airplane company to fly, but flew on UA. United Airlines, US airline company, they told me. Couldn't care less, I thought, I've flown on Aeroflots, Canadian Internationals and Singapore Airlines, what's wrong with flying Uncle Sam for once? Mistake.
Not only was my bag searched and passed through the x-ray machine about 3 times, especially regarding "liquids" in a plastic bag that they couldn't decide on whether I could take a sore throat spray on board or not. Searched up and down with metal detector: bleep on my belt.
Take belt off. No bleep. Move. Next, check shoes. Nice shoes, but shoe bomber me? Move on please. "Laptop? Can I see your laptop?" Maybe because Apple is cool, they didn't fuss too much about it. Anyway, go through immigration. Japanese lady, 20 seconds. Korean lady, 25 seconds. Me, 120 seconds. Blip, look at my face, look again, look again, thank you. By this time it was a few minutes before my flight and I dashed over towards the gate. A UA ground assistant stopped me on the way:
"UA?" she said.
"Yes"
"Well hurry up, go now!" and she brushed past me.
She was Japanese. Hmm.
I get to waiting lounge. No-one there, they're shutting the gate down, plane to leave in 5 minutes. Zip through the check-in machine. Two UA-labelled officers jump out of the woodwork, a guy with a big machine and a lady with a metal detector.
"Tickets please"
"Why are you going to Hong Kong?"
"Just for a short trip, see some friends"
She eyes my passport and ticket. Metal detector check, beep, take off belt, bag check, "what is this?" remark, laptop check, laptop looked over fairly quickly, "Apple is cool" thought to self. Check my shoes. Nice shoes.
"Do you have a mobile phone?"
As the CEO of a mobile phone services company, I could not resist the obvious reply.
"Yes"
Wrong answer.
Mobile phone is taken from me, opened and button pad swiped carefully with some cloth/plastic, then fed into big machine of chunky guy.
"What's that for?" I ask gingerly, hoping they aren't magneto-deleting my address book.
"To check for explosives and other substances. It's quite sensitive." he says quietly.
(For a split second I get a flashback to the scene in Fight Club when Edward Norton gets off the plane, finds his bag is not on the luggage belt and the guard tells him quietly "sometimes it's an alarm clock in the bag, not sure. But every so often... it's a dildo")
...WTF?? Sure, I'm going to rub my mobile phone in TNT, then put it in my pocket? I mean, come on!
Get on plane. Positioned in the middle of a row of 4 seats. Fidgety lady to my left. She looks at me from the side of her eye. Murmur and mumble. "Whatever", I think. The plane door closes and she eyes me saying something about placing people in the middle row and coming in at the last minute as if I was wearing a JihadBoyz bandana with ShoeBomber T-shirt. She moves all her stuff to another vacant seat. Then moves her shoes with a suspicious look.
I guess with a first name that is short for Mohammed Ali, the two most important figures in the Islamic religion, and a middle name Wieslaw, which means "great glory", and last and not least a middle-eastern-sounding family name "Khalesi", meaning "of the pure", I shouldn't be surprised all the keyword-matching bells go off every time I board a plane, but this is ridiculous. I repeat, RI-di-CU-lous.
I hear airport security sometimes look at people's blogs when interrogating them in random airport rooms. Read this blog, don't piss me off. That said, I have got somewhat used to getting checked and re-checked, no-one believing me when I reply "I am British, look at my passport". I was incensed when my dad got the usual treatment in supposedly Middle East-friendly France's Charles de Gaulle airport. He still is, everytime. I couldn't give a toss now. If I wanted to falsify my documents, I wouldn't use Mohammed or Ahmad, I'd use George, or W., or Bill, or Tony, you know? Give me a break.
I'm not flying UA again, but I get the feeling the problem won't go away.
- Mandali
